He Told Me I Had to Raise My Standards for Men

It was our third date. I will remember it for the rest of my life. Not because this man became my life partner, but because of the three sentences he uttered that reframed my entire relationship with men.

We had been walking down the streets of Chicago, sharing stories about each other’s previous relationships. Noah’s stories had been short, some sweet, some heartbreaking, and all relatively succinct. I had not noticed that we had walked a good mile or more, and I was still telling tales from my previous engagement to a man who let’s just say, had a temper.

Midway through my MBA, working full time as a marketing consultant, and pretty darn confident, I was sharing story after story. All along, I thought everything I way saying, while somewhat dramatic, was pretty normal.

Just as I was about to launch into another story, Noah stopped dead in his tracks. He just stopped walking. I turned around not knowing what was happening. He was looking at me with this deeply serious expression.

His voice was strong and direct. He said, “Christine, I don’t know what is going to happen here between you and I, but you have to raise your standards for men…

“Men are supposed to be kind to you. Respect is not an upgrade. Respect is mandatory.”

Then complete silence.

I just stood there on that sidewalk feeling like a shockwave had blasted through my body and broken open something inside my subconcious I didn’t even know was there.

“Men are supposed to be kind to me.” I repeated this to myself silently again and again. It was like my mind was trying to take in a foreign language that felt familiar but that it had long ago forgotten.

Noah told me later that as he stood there watching me, my face looked like he had just told me he was an alien from another planet.

In fact, I was in shock. In that moment it was like my life flashed before me. I saw all the ways in which I had allowed myself to be treated by men in a way that was not kind or respectful. I saw how I had been raised to accept rage and unkind words as something that just happened.

I became instantly aware that while I was a very self confident woman with a strong sense of self-worth, I had made choices in my life to stay in romantic relationships with men even when they were unkind. This never happened in my work life or my friendships, just in my romantic relationships.

Eventually Noah woke me out of my internal ephiphany by asking me, “Christine, are you okay? What’s going on in there?”

Even today I can remember looking at this man and thinking, “Thank you. I also don’t know what is going to happen between you and I. But I do know you just changed my life forever.”

That night, when I was alone in my room, I made a promise to myself that I’ve kept ever since, “I only have loving, respectful relationships, period.”

Respect was the mantra that was given to Noah and I some 5 years later by one of our spiritual teachers when we married. And it’s remained a pillar and promise ever since, many years later.

Christine Arylo is a women’s leadership advisor and three time best-selling author, including the book Choosing ME before WE. Noah Martin continues to share his wisdom as a relationship advisor for individuals and couples.