10 Ways to Stop Negative Self Talk and “Self-Bullying”
I’ll never forget the day when I realized that I had a mean girl living inside my head.
Just like a mean girl on the playground, she could make me feel left out, lonely and like I didn’t belong. Or like the mean girls I had encountered in my corporate career, manipulative and competitive, my Inner Mean Girl loved to drive me to work really hard (to the point of exhaustion), compare me to people who are ‘farther ahead,’ and make me keep adding more to my already full plate.
All women have an Inner Mean Girl that makes her feel like she’s never doing enough, being a good enough mom/writer/entrepreneur/artist/you-name-it, or getting far enough ahead. The result?
We women (and so our girls) have become bullies to ourselves. #bekindtoyou
Your Inner Mean Girl is the pushy, sometimes critical, force within that fills your head with negative or obsessive thoughts. She drives you to make choices that sabotage you, instead of support you, using harsh, but very effective, tactics to do so. Toxic habits like: over-working, over-thinking, over-giving, comparison, perfectionism, procrastination, busyness (the list goes on…, sound familiar?)
Self-bullying is one of her jobs. Self bullying is the act of pushing, pressuring, judging, and criticizing yourself to do, feel and think in ways that hurt or sabotage you.
Since discovering my Inner Mean Girl, I’ve worked with over 30,000 women around the world, through The Path of Self Love School I founded, along with and found 13 types of Inner Mean Girls specific to women and girls, including: The Doing Addict, The Good Girl, The Perfectionist, The Worry Warts and more.
You can’t stop these negative self talking, self bullying inner forces from showing up — especially in times of stress, uncertainty, and vulnerability, but you can befriend and reform them so they stop sabotaging and start supporting you.
The first step in transforming negative self talk and self bullying is self-awareness — becoming aware that you have this inner force within you forming your thoughts, emotions and actions.
It’s not a ‘bad’ or ‘negative’ force, in fact it’s trying to protect you. But it is a destructive and sabotaging force.
The protection mechanisms the sabotaging part of you uses don’t work because they based on the emotions and consciousness this part of you sparked into existence — usually before the age of 11.
So what do you do, since you can’t get rid of it, kill it, suppress it or ship it off to Siberia?
Once you become self-aware, the next step is to begin seeing the self sabotaging habits and the negative self talk, and then making different choices that support you. It’s all about choosing self-love — compassion, acceptance, empowerment, trust- over self criticism, self doubt, self sacrifice and fear.
Learning to work with this inner force takes time, just like anything. But there is a path. In the book Reform Your Inner Mean Girl,we lay out the 7 steps to transform the self bullying.
For starters, here are some simple but mighty ways you can stop the self-bullying, depending on how your Inner Mean Girl likes to torment and sabotage you.
My suggestion is to read through these and just choose ONE or TWO that you will try out in your daily life — don’t just read the list, choose a simple way to empower yourself to DO your life differently.
As you read through just notice which ones ‘sparkle’ ‘zing’ make you go ooohhh or just sound good. Write it down somewhere you can see it and then try it when the situation arises. Self awareness then empowered action!
1. Transform comparison into inspiration. What you see in others also exists within you, it’s just not fully expressed, yet. When your Inner Critic compares you, making you feel inferior, instead get inspired. First, see want you want to express. Then reach out and tell that person they inspire you!
2. Don’t strive for perfection, just do enough. When you can’t stop yourself from doing more, stop and ask, “What would enough look like?” and just do enough. Then enjoy all the extra space you created for yourself.
3. Instead of pushing yourself forward, love yourself forward. Your Inner Mean Girl thinks being critical will motivate you. Guess what? She’s wrong. Compassion motivates. Next time you judge yourself, imagine a child learning to do something new, what would you say to them? Tell yourself those compassionate words.
4. Stop piling more onto your plate. Practice saying NO. When you feel pressured to say “Yes,” like you ‘should’ or ‘have to’ — breathe, and respond “No.” Then tell your Inner Mean Girl that saying No leaves space for someone else to shine.
5. Find evidence of how much you’ve done and how awesome you are. Kick your Achievers Amnesia by making a list of 5 things you’ve accomplished recently, and 5 things you love about yourself. Read these over and over and soak them in.
6. Find the desire under the pressure. Usually when you are pressuring yourself to be farther ahead, it’s because you desire something, so your Inner Mean pushes you to get ‘there.’ Find the desire and ask, “What is the next step?” Just do that.
7. Learn what triggers your Inner Mean Girl and be prepared for her attack. Know what your top inner critic “hot spot” is — does she show up in your career, relationships, with your body or money? When you get afraid or stressed in this area, remember it’s your Inner Mean Girl attacking, it’s not your truth.
8. Let your Inner Mean Girl rant. Stop repressing the self-bullying and say or write out what negative self talk your Inner Mean Girl is filling your head with, so you can see just how crazy the thoughts are. Then, next time you have that thought, you’ll know you’re having an “Inner Mean Girl Attack.”
9. Create a stronger relationship with your Inner Wisdom. In moments of fear or uncertainty, take a breath, put your hand on your heart, and ask yourself, “What does my Inner Wisdom know?” This is your truth.
10. Out your Inner Mean Girl to a friend, and get support during Inner Mean Girl attacks. When you are in the grips of your Inner Mean Girl and her fear, stress and criticism, it’s hard to shake her off — you need a “LOVE LINE.” Call a friend, tell her you are under Inner Mean Girl attack, let your Inner Mean Girl rant and then ask your friend to tell you what her Inner Wisdom knows.
Most of all, know you aren’t alone with this struggle. And remember that you’re at choice as to whether you bully or befriend yourself.
Christine Arylo, MBA and feminine leadership advisor, is the best-selling co-author of Reform Your Inner Mean Girl: 7 Steps to Stop Bullying Yourself & Start Loving Yourself. (www.InnerMeanGirlBook.com) based on the internationally acclaimed program Inner Mean Girl Reform School and the founder The Path of Self Love School that has helped over 30,000 women and girls transform their inner critics and empower their inner wisdom.
To find out what kind of Inner Mean Girl is sabotaging you — Doing Addict, Good Girl, Perfectionist, or…, take the free and fun Inner Mean Girl quiz at www.InnerCriticQuiz.com
